Made to Remember

I was lessening to an old Michael Jackson song called 'Ben', I really didn't know how much one artist could affect another. but in many ways that song alone tugged at my heart, but it always had...it was a sweet song written by a little boy about his only friend, it is simple and heartfelt some of the most beautiful things are that simple. In my life right now the song takes a different light now that the maker of this sung poetry is gone, really Michael Jackson was a artist. He was corky and a little strange at times but many great artists are that way, some are called bitter and hard to know like Beethoven, Obsessive and pompous like Degas, Or careless and immature like Mozart. Some of the greatest artists go through there lives being misunderstood and with out any since of peace in the world they have been born in other then the art they create. its almost like living in a world of circles and you are clearly a triangle, its sad that the world that shunned Michael and ultimately made him a outcast, the world that showed him no mercy and called him a freak, made fun of him and joked about his faults, didn’t find out how much they loved him till he died.

the same people that persecuted him, honor him, its enough to make one that held a love for him in there hearts no matter what happened, sick...but that’s not the point now...I morn his lose, and for someone that made such great music as he did, there will never be another like him no matter the comparison’s that will be made. In many ways I think that the song 'Ben' now feels different, that it is sung by the people that really truly cared for Michael about Michael. this thought came to me after seeing a true fan of Michael Jackson sing the song 'Ben' on You Tube and it touched my heart just as it did when Michael sang it when he was with the Jackson Five. the singer was David Choi, it is utterly beautiful and simple just as it was intended to be and i loved it so much I had to write this Blog.

Please subscribe to David's You Tube channel, I'm not promoting his channel because he told me to...its because I truly believe he's talented and its moments like these that truly make you believe in another one, seeing this post of his made me remember why I loved Michael Jackson. Why I grew up lessening to him, honestly I'm sure David has no idea i wrote this, or will ever know, it was this post that made the subscription worth it in many ways. His heartfelt tribute to another artist now gone brought me to tears and I want to thank David for reminding me about cherished memories with just a few strokes of his guitar!

All things taken for granted

Hi people....feeling a little down tonight and i cant figure out why, they say that everyone looses something. a car, a home, a key, a family member....i have lost all those things in the past few years, i never thought my grandfather the only only one i ever had. i loved him so much, he was the rock of our family and i always thought he'd be there, i took for granted that he would always be there. that he would be there when i got married and preside over the wedding that he would see maybe my first born, all things taken for granted. he passed away a few years ago...actually the exact date escapes me because i bottled it up and swallowed the pain and pretend it never happened. that's what i do...its not healthy but its the only way i know how to live with out that hole, even though that hole is there. my losses didn't stop there a year ago my uncle passed, it was sudden like a blink of an eye. he was happy and i said hi the next moment he was gone, he was a dancer a ballet dancer, my favorite dancer, i never wanted to know what my life would be like with out him and now i have to figure it out.

I've lost shoe's, papers, drawings, and love but nothing can amount to the lost of a person...nothing....all things taken for granted...things i was so naive in thinking that i would never have to imagine my life with out them its ironic how you go through life always believing they would be there and just the opposite happens. it has made me different more mindful of the limited time we have as silly as that sounds, it has made me more aware of the people around me and how they to might be gone....it makes me realize how important my family is and how paper thin that line between lose loved ones can be. I push it away and try to forget with out loosing the core memories of them, the good times, but how can i think about those memories with out feeling the sting of knowing they aren't here. its like a fresh cut that wont heal, they say it gets better with time but ultimately it doesn't...no i think you get numb, that you learn to be accustomed to it like a friendly neighbor in you heart where they used to be.

All things taken for granted, the fact that i feel i might lose again...the head of my family a woman I looked up to. the head mother in my house, one person I grew up with always nurturing and warm, she kept he and loved me like she loved her daughter my mom. she's live this remarkable life 90 years to be exact and I keep feeling like I might loose her to, now unlike before I am trying to imagine my life with out her and I just cant. I just cant bring myself to do it not because it cant be done, but because I selfishly don't ever want to. she is a force in my life I just cant let go of and one day life will force me to. I'm afraid so very afraid to lose so soon, to loose again I just cant. I keep shaking my head 'no' and nature has other plans, I close my eyes and yet I can still see life's plan plane as day.

I've lost drawings, I've lost stories told to me when I was a child, I've lost respect for my father and lost friends but nothing can compare to the feeling that your going to lose someone that important to you. That you'll never see them again and even though people say they are still with you and in some ways they are, it doesn't ease the pain...the hole is still there and there is only superficial comfort, there is only acceptance with time...that maybe the you'll get used to the pain and it wont be as constant, it will hurt but you'll be strong enough by then that it wont affect you.

I wish it was more like a open wound on my arm...that it would scab over and eventually stop hurting and be a distant memory, but grief isn't like that... its constant, a everyday struggle to see through all the things that hurt your heart, but I swallow these feelings as unhealthy as that is and I push them way down in the pit of my stomach and don't look there, I never look there. I have lost words, and books, maps and jewelry, but I have also lost so much more and my heart can take anymore not now and not yet. theirs only so much one heart can take, being strong isn't a luxury any longer and I am afraid so afraid, because nothing can prepare you for the lose of life.

Musical Lines Gone

Well i just got the news that the smooth criminal, the guy that created the moon walk, the best selling pop star of the 80's, the lead singer in what was arguably the first boy band has passed away. yes Michael Jackson Has passed away kinda trump's the Farra Charlies Angel chick news, but its sad they both died and the world has lost a real treasure. that's really all i have to say about it...i'm sad a big musical peace of my life is owed to MJ and now he's gone!!!

Quickie!

I was watching my you tube channels that i frequent and i herd something about this dude Asher Roth that made some rap about college...its called 'i love college' and i was like o really i have to see this. and i was like this is truly silly, that is not to say the song is catchy but my lord its just...well i have to agree with a girl on a channel i subscribe to called 'Miss Hannah Minx' and i have to say its border line sad really, its about spoiled kids partying till they get sick screwing the next person and just being an all and out dushebag!! i mean i'm a college student and love a good party but its that imigary that just makes me weep for my genoration...i mean really is celabrating the decline of a sirtin class really that entertaining and whats worse this guy is celebrated for it. i'm mordified and fasinated all at the same time i must ITunes this right away lol!!! any way wheres a link to Hannah you tube post and his video judge for yourself!!

Hannahs post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzKL_Yas_eo

I love College song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRVFfgoIKcg

Work and Death

Some wonderful new developments in me life, i just had a really good mini shoot with a local female D.J. to test the equipment and all that went all day but i got some really great stuff. it was a 14 hour shoot that was rather long for my taste but we had a lot of changes and the people i work for wanted verity so i had to supple. It was really fun my girl got to play the ultimate game of dress up and pose and i got some work done. there is toll a lot to do i have to go through the pictures and i was just asked to re shoot her close ups so next week its back to work but i don't mind it at all.

In other news how about the death of David Carradine...he was found in the closet of his hotel in Bangkok in a closet naked with rope tied around his happy place. his family want the FBI to investigate his death because they don't believe it is a suicide as the police in Bangkok believe, but nothing as of yet has been done. the first thing i said when i read this was...what the hell was David Carradine aka Kong Foo man doing being tied up by a Lady boy no less for some obvious S&M play at his age. they speculate that he might have had a hart attack or something but really i keep thinking why do all these people keep offing themselves in the most idiotic of ways...and okay i'm sure he didn't mean to off himself and maybe i'm being insensitive but do people think, maybe i shouldn't do this because there are too many things that this could go wrong....any way he is dead and its a shame really Carradine was the man and i was a fan...sadly he decided to die in the most embarrassing way possible and even worse might have been spending his time with a Lady boy but so is the way of the world...lest have a moment of silence for Carradine..............................................okay kiddies i hope you are well and i'll catch you on the flip side.

Link to the story discussed:
http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=413114&gt1=28130